London speeddating 1 on 1 chat with horny girls

So there I was, alone outside a pub in Balham, having broken the habit of a lifetime and arrived early, puffing frantically on a fag and trying to psyche myself up to go inside.I’ve never been less excited to see a roomful of naked men before...So this isn’t one of those #bodypositivity Instagram larks done by a part-time teenage model with an airbrush filter.In fact, trying to make a good impression on a total stranger while sweating from your inner thighs is about as #nofilter as it gets.(A word to the wise, though, for whoever compiled the playlist: if you want to put women at their ease, lay off the James Blunt.The only thing that “Goodbye, My Lover” was psyching me up for was a funeral.) I heard later the boys all undressed in the bar in total silence, avoiding eye contact. In we shuffled, in our matching Matalan robes, to a reassuringly dark bar filled with small tables.

Full disclosure: I am a 5”4, size 14 woman on the latter side of 25 with all the trimmings – cellulite, scars, bruises, chipped nail varnish and a rack that gave up the fight against gravity years ago.

Beforehand, my mother said to me: “Do you have time to get a fake tan?

It’ll make you look way thinner.” Needless to say, I did not.

I was quite flustered when a genuine knockout sat down in front of me. Everyone is confident, outgoing and comfortable with their bodies, and physical attraction is the foundation of any relationship.” He was right – what an ice breaker.

It’s hard to stress over small talk when you’ve seen someone’s labia.

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The robes come off, you check each other out for a sphincter-crushingly awkward ten minutes, then you get dressed and proceed to speed date as normal. After an awkward mingle in the bar, which rather like a school disco involved palling up with the nearest member of the same sex and huddling in the corner, the girls were taken into a sweet and quirky cinema room to change.

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